I Am Sometimes Unstable

It's been awhile since I've done a random post, but since it's March Break and I'm in a cynical mood, here we go...

I've been living in Canada for most of my life (WOOT! Polar bears. Igloos. Penguins. I've seen literally none of any of those. Stop judging, you stereotypers. Also, penguins aren't even on our side of the globe. Geesh.) I've gone to elementary and middle school here, and now I'm attending high school here as well.

I decided I wanted to do the IB program in grade 9, and subsequently entered the pre-IB stream. (For those of you who don't know, IB stands for International Baccalaureate, which is basically this program  whose standards are the same worldwide. It's perfect for kids who move countries a lot, so their academic standards don't change all the time. I'm not planning on moving any time soon, so I don't know why I'm putting myself through this hell.) The first two years were pretty chill: I lived about an hour and a half away from the school so that was annoying, but the accelerated curriculum wasn't too much of a pain to keep up with.

Then came grade 11, or the IB1 year as my school calls it.

I like to call it my own personal hell.

I had graduated with a 95 average the year before without trying too hard, so I entered this year with pretty high expectations.

You know when you go into a test confidence you'll do well, come out of said test confident you did well, then go get your test back and realize you failed miserably? (If you've never had an experience like this, just trust me when I say it sucks.) Yeah, multiply that by the number of days in the first two terms. (I'd say 1st semester but we're not a semestered school so that'd be pretty pointless.) (No, I don't have ADHD, brackets are just a very convenient way to input more information that has nothing to do with anything.) You know those people who feel as if their self worth is tied to their academic success? Yeah, I'm DEFINITELY one of those people. My self-confidence was absolutely demolished.

Then the freak-outs began.

FREAK-OUT: noun. That moment when temporary failure leads a person to conclude that success will forever evade them and they will end up jobless and on the streets in a few year's time.

*the only known cure for freak-outs are copious amounts of Fanfiction, ice cream, and Big Bang Theory.

Okay, maybe "began" isn't the right word. I'm a pretty emotional person, so I freak out often. But the freak-outs got much, much worse. My thought process went something like this:

Oh gosh. This mark is actually too terrible.

Oh no. All my marks for this course are pretty much terrible.

In fact, all the marks for all my courses are pretty terrible.

OH MY GOODNESS MY AVERAGE IS TOO UGLY TO LOOK AT. 

 I AM A FAILURE. WHY DO I FAIL AT EVERYTHING.

 AND THIS IS THE YEAR THAT MATTERS. I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET INTO WATERLOO LIKE THIS. (I want to go to Waterloo for math, and the cut-off mark is really high.)

I SHOULD DROP IB. I'M OBVIOUSLY TOO DUMB TO BE DOING IT. (IB is considered a lot more rigorous than the average Canadian high school program.)

NO NO I CAN'T DO THAT. WHAT IF I STILL DO BADLY AFTER I DROP. I WILL HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. THERE WILL BE NOWHERE TO GO. NO, I MUST STAY.

 BUT WHAT IF MY MARKS ARE SO BAD I DON'T GET INTO ANY OF THE UNIVERSITIES I APPLY FOR? WHAT IF I DON'T GET INTO UNIVERSITY?!

WITHOUT UNIVERSITY I WILL NOT SUCCEED IN LIFE AND WILL TURN INTO A HOBO AND DIE ALONE OH NO OH NO OH NO 

...
...
...
My mental state of mind is definitely unhealthy.

It got up to the point where I couldn't even study for tests without flipping out. I would convince myself that no matter how hard I studied I would fail anyways, so I might as well not study at all and just accept the fail. It's not hard to imagine the wonders THAT did to my marks...

Things did improve after awhile, so I can look back on that time and laugh at how stupid and silly I was. Still, it made me realize just how much I need to... hm... how to put this...